ANOTHER ATTEMPT

What is it that I keep trying to achieve? 

To successfully scoop and make it out of a bomb at The Right?

‘Suicide’ is also beginning to feel like a plausible answer to the question. I’m equally defeated as I am proud by what went down on the weekend. Where I go from here is still a mystery to me. 

Here’s the lowdown from the weekend.

I’d planned to tow with my friend and one of the best tube riders on the planet, Jack Robinson at The Right over the weekend. I was dead-set on being at The Right over the whole window of swell over both days of the weekend because I was keen to get myself back into some XL barrels for the first time in a long time. Jack seemed a bit more on the fence as plenty of other waves were surely going to be pumping near his house. So I drove all the way down to The Right while Jack took a bit more time to get ready and make a decision about where he would surf on the Saturday. 

Once I got down south and checked The Right from the beach I could tell that it was a good size for paddling. The swell wasn’t absolutely giant but there were still some solid nuggets out there. I called Jack to see where he was and he was still a few hours away from getting down to The Right, which worked perfectly for me as it gave me a couple of hours to paddle into some before he arrived on the jet ski.

Once I got out there I was feeling confident to get straight into it. Josh Garner was already in the line-up and the waves didn’t seem over intimidating. It was nice to realise that, even with a big break from surfing The Right, my confidence hadn’t dropped at all and had actually increased. I put it down to the huge amount of strength training and breath training that I’ve been doing over the last few months.

So into the deep, dark channel I jump and before I know it I’m sitting in the line-up with Garner. We’re catching up on life and having a yarn, I’m feeling loose and calm but there were definitely some nerves creeping in. I needed to catch a wave to shake the nerves so when the next breaking swell came in I decided to take it. It was nothing special, I basically just scooped at the bottom and was already in the channel, but it was just what I needed to dust off the cobwebs.

Once I got back out I felt ready. Ready to tackle whatever came. I wasn’t pumped up and seeing red, I wasn’t nervous or scared. My heart rate was probably sitting just above its resting rate and I felt incredibly composed and present. It was the first time I’ve felt that relaxed while paddling at The Right. Within 15 minutes of bobbing around in the gloomy, shark infested waters of the South-West a bomb finally presented itself in front of me.

I didn’t even need to make a decision, I turned around and started paddling. Garner also wanted it but being about 5 metres further in than him I was clearly in a better spot, so he pulled back and yelled at me to go. My head was in such a good place. There was no fear, no second guessing myself, just a clear decision to try my best to scoop this monster of a wave.

From previous attempts of paddling The Right I knew that I had to take off under the ledge to avoid free-falling and where I was positioned felt perfect. It felt like the lip was already starting to throw over me while I was still paddling to get onto the wave. I gave a few more big paddles while I still had time and then I grabbed my board, spread my legs and instantly felt the wave picking me up higher than I expected. This is when things started changing in my mind.

“Fear shot through me as I felt the immense power of the wave taking hold of me.”

The best way I can describe the feeling of this moment is ‘waking up’. It felt like I was snapped out of being asleep and suddenly woke up to the reality that I’d put myself in. Fear shot through me as I felt the immense power of the wave taking hold of me. It’s funny how big a wave at The Right actually feels compared to anywhere else I’ve ever surfed. It’s in a totally different league to any other wave.

For a few moments I still wanted to commit to trying to scoop at the bottom of the wave, but once I felt my body completely lose contact with the face of the wave I froze, like my body entered  survival mode. 

As I bounced off the bottom of the wave I felt like if I tried to hold on and scoop then the lip was going to land directly onto me, so in that fraction of a second I let go of my board and succumbed to my inevitable fate.

The wave picked me back up and, as if in slow motion, I felt myself becoming weightless as I started going up and over with the lip. I had a good breath of air inside of me, thankfully, but I knew shit was about to get real. I grabbed hold of my nose with my right hand and started trying to equalise as I felt myself falling deeper and closer towards the angry washing machine that was awaiting my arrival.

As soon as my body hit the impact zone my ears felt close to bursting from the pressure of so much water being on top of me, even with my failed attempts at trying to equalise. I was getting thrown around for a bit, doing a few front flips, feeling a bit like a flag on a windy day, but I stayed reasonably calm underwater.

When I felt the power of the wave start to diminish I decided to pull the cord to inflate my inflation vest. I wasn’t sure if there was a second wave to the set and I didn’t feel like copping a two-wave hold down. Even though it didn’t feel necessary I figured that getting into the habit of pulling it when I wipeout on big ones out at The Right is definitely a good habit to build. I felt the pin puncture the CO2 canister as I pulled the cord and felt the vest instantly inflate until it was extremely tight around my torso. Once the vest inflated I felt myself flying up towards the surface and within 3 seconds I popped up.

There was no second wave to the set, which was nice because when I resurfaced I felt super dizzy and my ears were incredibly sore. Thankfully my friend and professional photographer, Andrew Semark raced over to rescue me on his jet ski. He asked me if I was alright and I replied “Yeh bro, all good. My ears are fucked though”. I put my finger in my ears and checked to see if they were bleeding and thankfully there was no blood. After that I blew my nose into my hand to check if my nose was bleeding and no blood came out of my nose either. Once we got into the channel on the jet ski I asked Semark to stop for a moment because I was really dizzy and my ears were killing me, I just needed to be still for a moment and gather myself. We sat in the opposite channel to where all the other jet skis were for a few minutes and I spent this time taking a few slow breaths and trying to do some check-ups on my ears to figure out why they were hurting so much. I tried to equalise and my ears popped a few times and the pain increased ten-fold. Even though they hadn’t burst they were definitely pretty beat up.

Eventually we made our way back to where everyone else was and I was greeted by cheers from all the boys. It felt pretty awesome to hear everyone cheering for me and checking to see if I was all good. It was comforting to realise that everyone out at The Right really are on the same team. I sat on Semark’s jet ski for about 20 minutes hoping that my ears would come good but I realised that they probably weren’t going to miraculously heal. 

The adrenaline slowly wore off from the whole experience which allowed me to slow down enough to reflect on the whole experience. I was full of mixed emotions. I felt really proud of myself that I committed to the first bomb that came through without even feeling nervous, but I also felt somewhat deflated and defeated. I felt like I was in the perfect position and yet I still couldn’t manage to scoop. I questioned my decision to let go of my board and began thinking that I made the wrong call. I also questioned my own ability on a bodyboard and whether I have it in me to succeed with my next attempt of paddling a bomb at The Right, if there even will be another attempt.

I stewed with my own thoughts and emotions for a while and made the call that I was done surfing for the day. My ears were still killing me and I knew that if I copped another similar wipeout then my eardrums would surely explode. I cruised in the channel for a while and eventually returned to a somewhat normal headspace. 

Jack Robinson showed up on his ski after a while and before I knew it I was towing him into some bombs as the sun began to set. It was a beautiful afternoon. I was grateful to be alive, proud of my efforts and happy to be living the dream.

“I’ve never tried heroin, never will, because I’ve found something better, more addictive and even more dangerous than it…”

It’s been a week since this afternoon at The Right and I already feel keen to attempt another paddle-in at The Right. I just don’t know why. Is it a stupid idea? Is it reckless? Is it dangerous? Well, yeh I guess it is. But it’s also invigorating. It makes me feel the most alive I’ve ever felt. It’s such an extreme experience that it makes the rest of my life feel dull in comparison. 

People say if you use heroin once you’ll never look back - it’s THAT good and THAT addictive that you’ll spend the rest of your days chasing that first high. Well, let me tell you something. I’ve never tried heroin, never will, because I’ve found something better, more addictive and even more dangerous than it… Paddling into bombs at The Right, chasing what feels like an impossible goal of scooping into one from deep, seeing the whole ocean exploding around me before being catapulted into the channel with my board still underneath me. I see it when I close my eyes. I live through the experience when I dream at night. Is it real, or am I delusional? Can I do this or am I biting off more than I can chew? The 4 minute mile was ‘impossible’ before someone ran it. So was the 500kg deadlift until someone lifted it. 

I’m not too fazed by what happens in the end and I couldn’t really care less about what people have to say about my efforts. I’m not doing this for your viewing pleasure or for popularity. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this to see how far I’m willing to push myself. I’m doing this because it makes me feel alive.

All photos - Matt Macdonald.